Saturday, 19 February 2011
19th February 2011, evening
Me and Jake just broke up.... I don't know what to feel. I feel nothing, yet tears roll from my eyes. He was so angry... He wanted to hit me, but didn't. He should've... I deserve it, for what I did to him. I hate myself. I wanted to die when he wouldn't talk to me. He said he still loves me, but he just doesn't know what to think. I still love him but I can't even talk right now... Every part of me hurts. My heart the most. I know its pathetic to say I have a broken heart, but right now, I feel like someone has ripped it out of me. Tore it straight out. I feel exactly how I did in year nine. Dead. Empty. Alone. I want to actually die. I'd rather die than live a life without him. I can't believe what I did.. but I'm glad he finally knows. The guilt was killing me on the inside. Cried most nights. It's a year today since my Step-Grandad died as well.. So pretty much been a right shit day. I physically feel sick. I want to sleep, but I'm scared I'll think it was all a dream then realise in the morning that it wasn't. I just don't know what to do, I've lost him. Completely and utterly lost him. There is nothing I can do to get him back. That's the part I hate most, knowing he'll never come back. Knowing that there is nothing at all that I can do to save our relationship. It's over. Dead. Like me. Dan made me feel dead in year nine, like this. And now, in the most important year of my education, I have to go through it again, oh well. I deserve to fail my GCSE's. I deserve to be punched, beaten up. I deserve to get called a slag, slut, bitch. I deserve everything wrong and bad in the world. Except death, nooo.... death isn't bad enough... I need to be tortured. That's what's going through my mind right now. And people wonder why I have anger issues...
Friday, 18 February 2011
19th February 2011
Well, today was alright, did some chores saw Jake for a bit :)
Just now I've been thinking about Dan though... It's hard not to most of the time, but I remembered something from our past and suddenly everything just came back. All the memories of us, our first kiss, when we went to see wild target, when we used to meet up after school in secret, when he came round mine once, all the times I've been round his, the day we were in his attic... some of the best memories I have to be honest. I don't think I'll ever regret being with Dan or feeling what I did for him, ever. I was in love with him, that's hard to let go of, and something that I can never regret. I don't know what I feel these days, some days he annoys me but inside I love it, and other days I can't stop thinking about him, us, what we had, how we used to be. That day in bugs bottom was and is one of the best memories we have in my opinion. It was a brilliant day, sky blue and the sun shining. I can never help but wonder if he ever thinks about those times or about us. I'll be honest I doubt it, but there is always that little shred of hope and excitement that I think he does. I'd ask him about it but I'm just too afraid that he'd say no and I'd just feel so embarrassed and stupid. I have no idea why I still think about him and us the way I do, I mean, we're both in pretty stable relationships right now. Agh I dunno, maybe it'll go away one day...
Just now I've been thinking about Dan though... It's hard not to most of the time, but I remembered something from our past and suddenly everything just came back. All the memories of us, our first kiss, when we went to see wild target, when we used to meet up after school in secret, when he came round mine once, all the times I've been round his, the day we were in his attic... some of the best memories I have to be honest. I don't think I'll ever regret being with Dan or feeling what I did for him, ever. I was in love with him, that's hard to let go of, and something that I can never regret. I don't know what I feel these days, some days he annoys me but inside I love it, and other days I can't stop thinking about him, us, what we had, how we used to be. That day in bugs bottom was and is one of the best memories we have in my opinion. It was a brilliant day, sky blue and the sun shining. I can never help but wonder if he ever thinks about those times or about us. I'll be honest I doubt it, but there is always that little shred of hope and excitement that I think he does. I'd ask him about it but I'm just too afraid that he'd say no and I'd just feel so embarrassed and stupid. I have no idea why I still think about him and us the way I do, I mean, we're both in pretty stable relationships right now. Agh I dunno, maybe it'll go away one day...
Saturday, 12 February 2011
12th February 2011
Well... haven't written on this for a while. It's my four month anniversary today, not that I get to see the guy. I'm grounded for a little drunken happening that went on last weekend. Grounded for a month might I add. I don't get to see Jake, we still text but it's not the same ya know? I don't even get to spend valentines day with him, haha not that anything was planned anyway. Get to go to school on that day and see the billions of couples in my school being all loved up. Then I come home to my room. And sit. Just sit. Thinking about what could've happened, what did happen and what might happen. I worry too much as a daughter, best friend and a girlfriend. That's the problem see, I can't help but worry over other people or worry about what they might do. I've never thought of myself as a selfish person, I mean, yeah sometimes I do think about myself and what things affect me in complex situations, but never have I ever not thought of the other people involved as well.
I'm seen as a slag in my school... Because I've made a few mistakes in my life and gone out with few too many people, but what happened has happened. I wish more than anyone that I could change it. I have changed myself for the better, and for other people. I mean, I'm very loud and weird when I'm at school, or in front of friends. But at home I just get angry all the time, at mum or at Beckie (sister). But then, when I'm round Jake's I turn mellow and kinda soppy... I guess that's what love is. When you're with the person you love you feel safe, calm, happy. I've never been the sort of person that would express my feelings voluntarily. Someone or something would have to trigger them in order for it to come out. I do feel calmer when I'm with Jake, but I still have the emotions inside me, they just aren't as important when I'm around him. It's strange how, as soon as I get home, every single one of those horrible, annoyed emotions just come rushing back. All at once. I mainly just go straight to my room, but it is nice to sit with your family, even if you are angry or sad.
Every day before school I tell myself not be who I usually am at school, but be who I am at home. Be myself, it never works mind you. Ever. As soon as I get on the bus I'm talking to people who most probably don't actually like me. I do only have a few friends, but they make me laugh and smile, which is what a friend is for really. To confide in, to make you smile, to take care of you as you would to them. It's crazy how in just a few years I went from being liked, to being disliked by most of my year. The people I used to talk to, or hang out with don't even look at me the same any more. I can't stand it! That's why I get so angry, because all people believe are rumours and lies. They used to know me, like me, and then it all went away because of one little rumour? Back then, I thought that by year 11 everyone would be friends, we'd all get along and be nice. I was so wrong. Since year 11 started it's all been bitchy. Granted, year 10 was a much worse year for everyone, but year 11 is just being stupid. We're going to be in the real world soon, of work, housing, bills, everything like that, and we're still acting like immature children? I am trying my best to stay calm, to focus on my work. But what is happening is too much of a strain for all of us.
My ex-best friend Rowan doesn't even look at me the same any more. We had a little bit of an argument and everything changed. We're hardly talking, hardly looking at each other. It hasn't been the same ever since, and it's all over a little look I gave him. Frances is trying her best to look after me, herself and others. But I don't want her to have to stretch her limits, I can work things out on my own, it just takes time. I have tried with the whole Dan thing, forgetting about what happened with us. But it is so hard... Every time I look at him it all comes back, the memories not the feelings. Jasmine gives me weird looks every time she sees me. Dan looks at me, teases me, talks to me. I'm not saying he can't and it is nice to act like that around him, but it's very hard for me to stop thinking about it. The dream last night, we made out so much. And then Jake came into the picture and Dan disappeared. It felt a relief for him to go away and for Jake to appear. But the idea that I was thinking about me and him making out just confuses me. Why was I thinking about that? Dan was by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me. But at the time it was the best. I loved him, he loved me, what more could I have asked for? But then it all changed. He went off with Jasmine and left me alone, day after my birthday, just alone. I felt like it was year 9 all over again. I couldn't sleep, hardly ate. But, I thought, why should I have to go through this again, and that's when me and Jake started talking again, and something finally clicked with us. These days I tell people that I hate Dan, I don't. I never have. I can't. He was and kinda still is a big part of my life, and that's something worth thinking about.
Everyday I ask myself the same thing. Will things ever go back to how they were?
I'm seen as a slag in my school... Because I've made a few mistakes in my life and gone out with few too many people, but what happened has happened. I wish more than anyone that I could change it. I have changed myself for the better, and for other people. I mean, I'm very loud and weird when I'm at school, or in front of friends. But at home I just get angry all the time, at mum or at Beckie (sister). But then, when I'm round Jake's I turn mellow and kinda soppy... I guess that's what love is. When you're with the person you love you feel safe, calm, happy. I've never been the sort of person that would express my feelings voluntarily. Someone or something would have to trigger them in order for it to come out. I do feel calmer when I'm with Jake, but I still have the emotions inside me, they just aren't as important when I'm around him. It's strange how, as soon as I get home, every single one of those horrible, annoyed emotions just come rushing back. All at once. I mainly just go straight to my room, but it is nice to sit with your family, even if you are angry or sad.
Every day before school I tell myself not be who I usually am at school, but be who I am at home. Be myself, it never works mind you. Ever. As soon as I get on the bus I'm talking to people who most probably don't actually like me. I do only have a few friends, but they make me laugh and smile, which is what a friend is for really. To confide in, to make you smile, to take care of you as you would to them. It's crazy how in just a few years I went from being liked, to being disliked by most of my year. The people I used to talk to, or hang out with don't even look at me the same any more. I can't stand it! That's why I get so angry, because all people believe are rumours and lies. They used to know me, like me, and then it all went away because of one little rumour? Back then, I thought that by year 11 everyone would be friends, we'd all get along and be nice. I was so wrong. Since year 11 started it's all been bitchy. Granted, year 10 was a much worse year for everyone, but year 11 is just being stupid. We're going to be in the real world soon, of work, housing, bills, everything like that, and we're still acting like immature children? I am trying my best to stay calm, to focus on my work. But what is happening is too much of a strain for all of us.
My ex-best friend Rowan doesn't even look at me the same any more. We had a little bit of an argument and everything changed. We're hardly talking, hardly looking at each other. It hasn't been the same ever since, and it's all over a little look I gave him. Frances is trying her best to look after me, herself and others. But I don't want her to have to stretch her limits, I can work things out on my own, it just takes time. I have tried with the whole Dan thing, forgetting about what happened with us. But it is so hard... Every time I look at him it all comes back, the memories not the feelings. Jasmine gives me weird looks every time she sees me. Dan looks at me, teases me, talks to me. I'm not saying he can't and it is nice to act like that around him, but it's very hard for me to stop thinking about it. The dream last night, we made out so much. And then Jake came into the picture and Dan disappeared. It felt a relief for him to go away and for Jake to appear. But the idea that I was thinking about me and him making out just confuses me. Why was I thinking about that? Dan was by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me. But at the time it was the best. I loved him, he loved me, what more could I have asked for? But then it all changed. He went off with Jasmine and left me alone, day after my birthday, just alone. I felt like it was year 9 all over again. I couldn't sleep, hardly ate. But, I thought, why should I have to go through this again, and that's when me and Jake started talking again, and something finally clicked with us. These days I tell people that I hate Dan, I don't. I never have. I can't. He was and kinda still is a big part of my life, and that's something worth thinking about.
Everyday I ask myself the same thing. Will things ever go back to how they were?
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