16th December 2011

So, I lost Jake again.. It took me so long get him back.. I screwed things up with Jake by going out with Chris, realized I was an idiot, got over the whole Taylagh thing, and he still took me back.. Then we broke up because he thought we argued too much. It was a joint decision, but I didn't want to make the decision.. I still love him.. He knows this? People argue, I don't think he realized that our love was stronger than the stupid arguments, okay yeah we argued more than a few times, but it was always about the same thing? Couldn't he have just seen my point? Rather than telling me to look at his point of view all the time, I knew what he meant, but I didn't feel comfortable being treated like a friend just because we were in front of a girl that liked him. It's not that harsh, me wanting to be able to hug my boyfriend in front of a girl that likes/loves him? ¬¬ just pisses me off!!! How people just can't get over someone who obviously doesn't want to be with them if they've tried getting with them for 3 years? I mean get a grip of yourself and move on, fucking hell!! AND now he's flirting with me ALL the time.. drives me UP the wall, its either we're together or we're not. Fucking pick one!!
All this has just put me off my usual christmassy mood. Last year I spent it with him.. I'm in love with this boy and he doesn't understand.. What can I do to save this? Boys are like "oh amber you're hot" and I'm like, look I don't want a relationship with you so fuck off. I obviously don't SAY that to them, I'm not mean like that, but I bloody wish I was. Would make life so much easier. Maybe I should just ignore boys for a while, be on my own.. I don't know what to do.. I've changed.. I don't know who I am anymore.. I need help.. I always find myself to be either angry or upset about something, happy moods last about 10 minutes.. then slowly disappear.. I wish I could move on from this to be quite honest, it only hurts. But I don't want to move on by getting with someone else, I just want to get over him if he definitely doesn't want me back, which is quite upsetting to think about :/ Why doesn't he want me back? We loved being with each other.. We had great times when we were together, made each other laugh, looked after each other.. I miss him so much.. Haven't seen him in like.. forever. I talk to his friends more than I used to, surely that's a plus? And could make us stronger? We could actually spend some time together with his friends actually being there as well.
I can't concentrate at college, doing work, coursework, mock exams, I just can't concentrate on anything anymore apart from wanting to be back with him :/ 
Me after 3 quite strong drinks of pimms and lemonade - I wouldn't mind having a fuck buddy though... keep having sexual dreams and fantasies about guys at work and obviously Jake as well. Kinda frustrating that I can't do anything about it. I mean if I do have sex with anyone it might make things awkward between me and that person, I'd rather no strings attached to be quite honest. Bit oh well, seeing as Jake is more than happy to bring it up, maybe I should just go and sleep with him, I mean why not? Not like it's gonna change anything, wish it would though, but ah well. So many people are calling me hot o: I mean it's nice and all, but they need glasses seriously. Feel a bit shit without Jake to be honest :/ I just don't understand what happened, why it happened, why I didn't say "NO! We can't just throw it all away! We can sort this out! Just forget about the arguments! I don't care about them anymore! We love each other and that's all that matters!" But apparently, love wasn't enough to save the relationship.. But I think it was, he just couldn't see that, why couldn't he see that? Why can't he see that we love each other too much to just give up, evidently by the way we talk to each other.. Maybe I should talk to him about it? But I've tried that!! He just says, we've had this conversation before Amber, and I'm like oh.. okay. What do I do about it? Who knows.. Maybe it'll pan out itself, but I doubt that to be honest, I don't know why, I just do. All of my family hate him, and they expect me to, but I don't, I don't think I could.. He didn't do anything wrong, Just didn't see why Ii was getting upset about things - mainly because I never explained.. ever. I'm a subtle person, I'm never straight-forward... sooooo wish I was though. Ah well, I am who I am and whatever happens obviously happens for a reason, even if I don't like it.

17th June 2011

Had a Geography exam, and you know how you look at people who haven't finished yet? I looked at Dan and now he keeps asking me about it. I mean, is it illegal to look at someone? "/ I haven't really been feeling angry lately. Just annoyed. Oh found out the other day that Frances is moving to Surrey.... on my birthday. I found out from msn/facebook. She had told Grant way before I found out. Her excuse: I didn't know how to tell you. yeah okay, well grant is basically her new best friend. Ah, I just cant be bothered any more. Are friends just made to let you down? nearly every one of mine have, I can't trust many people any more. What am I meant to do at Reading College? Stand there, smile and hope someone notices? I'm terrible at making new friends, I get too shy then end up making friends with the wrong people. Don't even know what it's going to be like, hopefully a lot better than Highdown? Sometimes I wish I could re-do Highdown, and not make as many mistakes.
I know sometimes I don't think me and Dan was a mistake, but sometimes I really do think it was. Before we ever went out, he said I don't want us to not be friends if we break up. He was right, we aren't friends. He doesn't even want people to know that we've walked together? Or even talk? Does he not understand how that makes me feel? I'll be honest, it makes me feel like a piece of dirt on someone's shoe, not wanted and disgusting... "/ but he doesn't realise that... His life is brilliant, he has everything... Great friends, great family, he's smart, talented, good looking and has a brilliant relationship with his girlfriend. He's too preoccupied to care, not that I blame him. His friends don't like me so why should he? Kinda makes me miss him more...
So, Laszlo has moved, Jacob has moved, Grant's moving and now so is Frances. Yay, my friends are leaving me... I'd never ask them to stay obviously, but it's gonna be hard to say goodbye. I don't even know what's going to happen. I'm not gonna see anyone from Highdown again apart from Chris, then if we break up, no-one. fun times. god, this is gonna be hard... to say goodbye, to leave Highdown School and Sixth Form Centre.... hmmm... No doubt I'm gonna miss the place, but I'm glad to be leaving.
I'm so bored, I have nothing to do apart from write this, and I'm running out of things to write... I honestly don't have anything else to talk about. Til next time!

10th June 2011

Today was okay, smoked a few, still got the packet lol. Might be seeing Jake today... dunno though. Haven't seen Chis at all today, he's getting smashed tonight so, that's going to be fun to be on the phone with. Spoke to Frances about all kinds of shit today, brang up Dan, Joe, Chris, Jake, Clinton, Oen.... just so much to talk about. Just sort of brang up all the memories of well... everything tbh.
Made me think about my relationship with Dan, now that was a tough one to keep up with. I do remember it as being a really great relationship with, no doubt, its ups and downs but we had a good run I think. I started to think about the time we went to Bugs Bottom and layed there, talking, joking around, kissing.... we weren't like going out, we were just together. It was probably the best day we ever had together, there was no hassle of being in a relationship and no friends got involved. It was just so brilliant. Makes me wonder why we couldn't have that while being together though... its very odd "/
Wow... Joe... Now that was odd. We went out 12 times over four years. Every time, it just wouldn't work but we kept going out, it was so weird... I mean, don't get me wrong, I did REALLY like him n all, but just everytime something spoiled it. And the last time was just a complete fail, he didn't feel the same way and I really wanted to make it work that time. But no, I messed it up again. Stupid effing Karney *angry face*
Anyway.... Chris.... Well, as i've said before, he's my boyfriend, i love him very much, but sometimes i just don't feel that I know him, its so strange. It's like one minute I'm really happy with him, we're talking and kissing and stuff. Then it goes quiet and I look at him and think.... who are you? It really freaks me out tbh. I dunno... It's not like I don't like him, I just don't feel I know him very well, we've known each other the amount of time we've been going out, isn't that a bit weird?
Jake.. oh gosh.... Jake.... Well I dunno what to say about him that I haven't already said. He drives me insane sometimes, I broke up with Chris like a month ago, (we got back together obv), and I told Jake that I wanted us to get back together... He said no? He said he didn't want to be my rebound. Surely if you've broken up with I dunno, bob and then you go out with bill and then you break up with bill to go back out with bob, bob isn't the rebound???? Oh I dunno, keeps saying he misses me, loves me. H esaid today that he thought we weren't as close I was like whaaaatttt?!?!?! Oh he drives me up the wall :L but I love him lol not like that obv.... well... i dunno... not as much... i guess... ARGH i dont know D: hmmm.... calm down amber...
Oen was nothing to me and nor was Clinton, Frances was talking about them.... mostly Clinton though. Kept asking me about how to get him back, I was like how am I meant to know!?!??
Boys actually drive me up the wall sometimes. They really know how to confuse you don't they?
Well after Highdown I probably won't ever see or talk to half these people anyway, kinda sad tbh. To leave the place where memories were born, friendships created and relationships loved and lost. It's bloody awful to think about it tbh. I don't want to leave Highdown, but I have to. I can't stay there anymore. I jsut, can't. Too many memories, too many rumours, too many people I know. I just can't stand seeing all their faces. "/
God... I've had a headache for the past 5 days, fucking kills man. Haven't gone to school for the past two days. Didn't really need to tbh, but thats not the point lol.
oh gosh, the other day almost killed me. Was hanging around with jack collins, chris pearson, oskar and sarah.... that day was awful. Jack told me he was in love with me and has been since before me and JAKE went out, almost 8 months ago!! He asked if there was ever a chance for us I said no.... Felt so bad, I bloody cried ): well, tis all i have to say for now lol, see ya!

6th June 2011

Wow... haven't written in this for a while. Well life isn't so bad at the moment, I smoke... yay, Jake's still in love with me and i miss him like hell, I have a new boyfriend called Chris who also smokes (you can see why I do it). He's great but sometimes I just feel that I don't know him, is that bad? Thinking that your boyfriend is a complete stranger? I don't know. Well, sitting my GCSEs too, kinda sucks. I know I should be revising but its hard to concentrate. Guy called Jack Collins keeps calling me fat... makes me feel so good about myself. Dan? Oh, well, he's out of the picture, said he didn't want to start talking again because he's worried he'd "fall in love with me again" he never did. If he did he wouldn't have broken up with me for other people would he? I'm not complaining, I mean after Highdown it's not like I'm ever gonna see him again is it? He wanted me to stay lol... bless. Nah, I can't stand being at that school anymore, drives me up the wall.
Last week I didn't see Chris for four days, then I saw him for a day and a half then he buggers off for another 3 days. Is it bad that I miss him? Cried last night because I missed him? :/ I hardly ever cry nowadays... is that bad? before last night, the last time I cried I had a panic attack, i couldn't breathe because my tonsils had swollen up like a bitch and blocked my throat.. bloody things, I really need to get them sorted out. Haha... That night Jake got scared, thought I was going to die? I was like, no? wouldn't have died from that, would i? meh, who cares anyway, the only people that'd miss me is Jake and Chris maybe Frances if I'm lucky. I'm not all like "ugghhh my life's shit" it just wouldn't really bother me if I died. I've got nothing going for me, hopefully going to Reading college, that's going to be... interesting. Having to make new friends again, but the best thing of all...? Ruby Stear is going. yay. my life is fucking complete now aint it?! god, she really does piss me off. Just because I've dyed my hair red she goes all psycho like, WHY DID SHE DYE HER HAIR RED, I WAS GOING TO FOR PROM. seriously like i give a fuck? and even if i did, how would i have known? i dont talk to her? i dont talk to any of her friends?!
Prom soon.... yay, dont have a date lol, the guy i asked said no, so i didnt bother after that. was well gutted though, thought he'd say yes. but he thought it all serious and said i dont want to ruin our friendship. now we dont even have a friendship. he doesnt talk to me. half of the people i used to talk to, dont even like me anymore :L why should i bother wasting my time? I'll just go with mates or something. Max (Grant's mate) invited me and frances to his parent's wedding, thats gonna be fun. apparently i'm his date and there's an open bar. Grant keeps going on about how he's gonna get plastered and im like yay... more of a reason to fuck myself over. Reminds me... Grants moving soon... he's happy about it. said that we could visit. seriously, imma go to college with no friends lol, mollett is going to guildford (ACM) woop woop for her. she's hardly happy anymore, all talking about clinton and what she can do to get him back, and im sat on the fence as im friends with both of em. how interesting my life is...
anyway, long story short, my day has been okay, my life has been okay from the last time i wrote an entry and im feeling okay. see ya!

19th February 2011, evening

Me and Jake just broke up.... I don't know what to feel. I feel nothing, yet tears roll from my eyes. He was so angry... He wanted to hit me, but didn't. He should've... I deserve it, for what I did to him. I hate myself. I wanted to die when he wouldn't talk to me. He said he still loves me, but he just doesn't know what to think. I still love him but I can't even talk right now... Every part of me hurts. My heart the most. I know its pathetic to say I have a broken heart, but right now, I feel like someone has ripped it out of me. Tore it straight out. I feel exactly how I did in year nine. Dead. Empty. Alone. I want to actually die. I'd rather die than live a life without him. I can't believe what I did.. but I'm glad he finally knows. The guilt was killing me on the inside. Cried most nights. It's a year today since my Step-Grandad died as well.. So pretty much been a right shit day. I physically feel sick. I want to sleep, but I'm scared I'll think it was all a dream then realise in the morning that it wasn't. I just don't know what to do, I've lost him. Completely and utterly lost him. There is nothing I can do to get him back. That's the part I hate most, knowing he'll never come back. Knowing that there is nothing at all that I can do to save our relationship. It's over. Dead. Like me. Dan made me feel dead in year nine, like this. And now, in the most important year of my education, I have to go through it again, oh well. I deserve to fail my GCSE's. I deserve to be punched, beaten up. I deserve to get called a slag, slut, bitch. I deserve everything wrong and bad in the world. Except death, nooo.... death isn't bad enough... I need to be tortured. That's what's going through my mind right now. And people wonder why I have anger issues...

19th February 2011

Well, today was alright, did some chores saw Jake for a bit :)
Just now I've been thinking about Dan though... It's hard not to most of the time, but I remembered something from our past and suddenly everything just came back. All the memories of us, our first kiss, when we went to see wild target, when we used to meet up after school in secret, when he came round mine once, all the times I've been round his, the day we were in his attic... some of the best memories I have to be honest. I don't think I'll ever regret being with Dan or feeling what I did for him, ever. I was in love with him, that's hard to let go of, and something that I can never regret. I don't know what I feel these days, some days he annoys me but inside I love it, and other days I can't stop thinking about him, us, what we had, how we used to be. That day in bugs bottom was and is one of the best memories we have in my opinion. It was a brilliant day, sky blue and the sun shining. I can never help but wonder if he ever thinks about those times or about us. I'll be honest I doubt it, but there is always that little shred of hope and excitement that I think he does. I'd ask him about it but I'm just too afraid that he'd say no and I'd just feel so embarrassed and stupid. I have no idea why I still think about him and us the way I do, I mean, we're both in pretty stable relationships right now. Agh I dunno, maybe it'll go away one day...

12th February 2011

Well... haven't written on this for a while. It's my four month anniversary today, not that I get to see the guy. I'm grounded for a little drunken happening that went on last weekend. Grounded for a month might I add. I don't get to see Jake, we still text but it's not the same ya know? I don't even get to spend valentines day with him, haha not that anything was planned anyway. Get to go to school on that day and see the billions of couples in my school being all loved up. Then I come home to my room. And sit. Just sit. Thinking about what could've happened, what did happen and what might happen. I worry too much as a daughter, best friend and a girlfriend. That's the problem see, I can't help but worry over other people or worry about what they might do. I've never thought of myself as a selfish person, I mean, yeah sometimes I do think about myself and what things affect me in complex situations, but never have I ever not thought of the other people involved as well.

I'm seen as a slag in my school... Because I've made a few mistakes in my life and gone out with few too many people, but what happened has happened. I wish more than anyone that I could change it. I have changed myself for the better, and for other people. I mean, I'm very loud and weird when I'm at school, or in front of friends. But at home I just get angry all the time, at mum or at Beckie (sister). But then, when I'm round Jake's I turn mellow and kinda soppy... I guess that's what love is. When you're with the person you love you feel safe, calm, happy. I've never been the sort of person that would express my feelings voluntarily. Someone or something would have to trigger them in order for it to come out. I do feel calmer when I'm with Jake, but I still have the emotions inside me, they just aren't as important when I'm around him. It's strange how, as soon as I get home, every single one of those horrible, annoyed emotions just come rushing back. All at once. I mainly just go straight to my room, but it is nice to sit with your family, even if you are angry or sad.

Every day before school I tell myself not be who I usually am at school, but be who I am at home. Be myself, it never works mind you. Ever. As soon as I get on the bus I'm talking to people who most probably don't actually like me. I do only have a few friends, but they make me laugh and smile, which is what a friend is for really. To confide in, to make you smile, to take care of you as you would to them. It's crazy how in just a few years I went from being liked, to being disliked by most of my year. The people I used to talk to, or hang out with don't even look at me the same any more. I can't stand it! That's why I get so angry, because all people believe are rumours and lies. They used to know me, like me, and then it all went away because of one little rumour? Back then, I thought that by year 11 everyone would be friends, we'd all get along and be nice. I was so wrong. Since year 11 started it's all been bitchy. Granted, year 10 was a much worse year for everyone, but year 11 is just being stupid. We're going to be in the real world soon, of work, housing, bills, everything like that, and we're still acting like immature children? I am trying my best to stay calm, to focus on my work. But what is happening is too much of a strain for all of us.

My ex-best friend Rowan doesn't even look at me the same any more. We had a little bit of an argument and everything changed. We're hardly talking, hardly looking at each other. It hasn't been the same ever since, and it's all over a little look I gave him. Frances is trying her best to look after me, herself and others. But I don't want her to have to stretch her limits, I can work things out on my own, it just takes time. I have tried with the whole Dan thing, forgetting about what happened with us. But it is so hard... Every time I look at him it all comes back, the memories not the feelings. Jasmine gives me weird looks every time she sees me. Dan looks at me, teases me, talks to me. I'm not saying he can't and it is nice to act like that around him, but it's very hard for me to stop thinking about it. The dream last night, we made out so much. And then Jake came into the picture and Dan disappeared. It felt a relief for him to go away and for Jake to appear. But the idea that I was thinking about me and him making out just confuses me. Why was I thinking about that? Dan was by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me. But at the time it was the best. I loved him, he loved me, what more could I have asked for? But then it all changed. He went off with Jasmine and left me alone, day after my birthday, just alone. I felt like it was year 9 all over again. I couldn't sleep, hardly ate. But, I thought, why should I have to go through this again, and that's when me and Jake started talking again, and something finally clicked with us. These days I tell people that I hate Dan, I don't. I never have. I can't. He was and kinda still is a big part of my life, and that's something worth thinking about.

Everyday I ask myself the same thing. Will things ever go back to how they were?