19th February 2011, evening

Me and Jake just broke up.... I don't know what to feel. I feel nothing, yet tears roll from my eyes. He was so angry... He wanted to hit me, but didn't. He should've... I deserve it, for what I did to him. I hate myself. I wanted to die when he wouldn't talk to me. He said he still loves me, but he just doesn't know what to think. I still love him but I can't even talk right now... Every part of me hurts. My heart the most. I know its pathetic to say I have a broken heart, but right now, I feel like someone has ripped it out of me. Tore it straight out. I feel exactly how I did in year nine. Dead. Empty. Alone. I want to actually die. I'd rather die than live a life without him. I can't believe what I did.. but I'm glad he finally knows. The guilt was killing me on the inside. Cried most nights. It's a year today since my Step-Grandad died as well.. So pretty much been a right shit day. I physically feel sick. I want to sleep, but I'm scared I'll think it was all a dream then realise in the morning that it wasn't. I just don't know what to do, I've lost him. Completely and utterly lost him. There is nothing I can do to get him back. That's the part I hate most, knowing he'll never come back. Knowing that there is nothing at all that I can do to save our relationship. It's over. Dead. Like me. Dan made me feel dead in year nine, like this. And now, in the most important year of my education, I have to go through it again, oh well. I deserve to fail my GCSE's. I deserve to be punched, beaten up. I deserve to get called a slag, slut, bitch. I deserve everything wrong and bad in the world. Except death, nooo.... death isn't bad enough... I need to be tortured. That's what's going through my mind right now. And people wonder why I have anger issues...