So today wasn't too bad :) although, getting up majorly late wasn't the best idea ever, and having a sister that is complete arse all the time doesn't help either. Got soaked today, my stupid dolly shoes!! I asked to wear my sister's boots today and she said no, EVEN though she wasn't wearing them herself, and I haven't seen her wear them in ages. She's such a cow ¬_¬
Had a science exam at lunch which wasn't too bad, although having a broken calculator kinda sucked. Dan seems to have backed off a bit. I think I'm happy about that, it's not that I want him out of my life completely! It's just I don't think we should be as close as we usually are, you know, with all the flirting n stuff.
Ugh, "friend" Grant today reeaallllyyyyy pissed me off today. Using my past to get at me, I could've actually killed him. Here was the conversation,
Him: "oh if you had listened to your FRIENDS then you wouldn't be even talking to Dan. But no, you never listen to us!"
Me: "Yeah well, if I HAD listened to you guys then I would've never found out for myself and would've just taken your word for it. But now that I've actually experienced being hurt by the people I've been out with then I wouldn't be who I am today."
Him: "But you NEVER listen to us!! You went out with Joe about 15 times and what good came of that? Nothing. "
Me: "Look man, we went out 12 times!!! And that was a LONG time ago alright? Can't you just let all of this go? Plus I didn't go out with ANYONE from February this year til October, and you're telling me this now. What's the point?! Can't you just leave me alone??"
Him: "No because you're stupid. You were not completely innocent during the time you were single, you were secretly with Dan. And I don't care if it was a long time ago, it still happened and you still did all those things."
Me: "Look man, I don't care about your opinion of me. What happened between me and Dan is none of your business, plus for you information we hardly did anything, that wasn't "innocent" as you say, anyway so why are you getting pissy about it? Just leave me alone."
Jeez I could've bloody murdered that boy. Don't ask about the whole Joe thing, that really was ridiculous. And pointless. But I was right though, if I hadn't gone out with Joe or Dan or whoever else, I wouldn't be me now. Completely independent and not weak. I can take an insult but when its from a friend. that hurts. That's really what gets me, is when a friend says it, and you'd think that they'd be the understanding ones. Oh and Frances yesterday I could've killed her too!! Basically called me a slut so I cornered her and made her say sorry, I nearly cried. and she had the bloody cheek to try and get me to bunk my 5th lesson then called me boring for not doing it!! Such lovely friends I have eh? But to be honest, they have been the only ones who have stuck by me through the years and I really am grateful for that, but I don't expect them to throw my past back in my face. Taking advantage of my trust I guess. Not that I do trust them... I can't. Not anymore. They've told people things and spread things about me even though they are my friends. I have forgiven them but I still can't trust them... To be quite honest the only person I can trust is Jake (My boyfriend). And I'm not being cheesy or anything, but he really is. I've known him for most of my life and he's always been there for me, and told me everything will be alright. Honestly, don't get me wrong, I love my friends to the moon and back, but sometimes they can be such fucktards. And just plain mean... But that's what friendship is based on I guess. Haha, bitchiness and two-facedness. Fun times.
But other than the conversation with Grant and getting up late, my day was pretty good.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
9.11.10
So today started out crap, forgot most of my books that I needed for the day, forgot my phone and MP3 player And I forgot my P.E.kit. How crap eh? Then first period I had a maths exam (mock) that was alright, I expected it to be harder to be honest but it was okay. Finished half an hour before the end. Then went to tutor where guess what, Dan is. Urrr.... Its really hard not to look at him, plus he bloody read the last post I wrote, the one about him. I was so embarrassed. And now I just wish I hadn't written it at all because we started talking bout the future n stuff and it just confused the hell outta me, fun stuff right? Imma ask mum tonight if I'm allowed out, seeing as I got grounded for going round my boyfriend's house at half 2 in the morning xD it was worth it though :)
I miss him like hell man...
Ugh, best friend Frances had a crazy day today. Wouldn't tell me what was wrong til after school and even then it seemed stupid that she was THAT upset about some tiny little thing. Her ex, Kyle, lied to her saying he was over her and now she's upset about it?! I don't understand girls or boys any more. Girls are sooooooooo much effort to be around, its always one dramatic thing after another. A person could go crazy.
So, so far its been a re-h-eeaaaalllllyyyyy bad day ):
Hopefully it'll get better soon, and hopefully mum'll let me out. So lets pray to god that she had a good day at work!! =]
Haha, also Dan has asked me to write on here how I think he feels and what I think he should feel, I'm like wtf?
But okay here goes:
What I think Dan feels:
I think he feels that everything that was between us is going but there'll always be that little bit there, that will be there because we flirty text each other and talk about rather... sexual sort of things... He brings it up not me, promise [:
Also I think he feels that he is happy where he is but doesn't want to let go of the thought of me and him together because it might happen again in the future. (He has said this nearly every time we've broken up)
What I think Dan should feel:
I think he should feel that it's over between me and him and we should let it go because we're both happy with other people and every time we've gotten together again he's always found some one else and gone off with her, every time. So to be quite frank. I don't want to be the person he always comes running back to if someone has broken up with him or he's broken up with someone. I don't want to be second best, and to be honest, I've always felt like second best to Dan, I've never expected any more or any less from him, than to find some other girl and run off with her. So I think he should just forget about us and let it go, because it hurts too much to be second best.
I miss him like hell man...
Ugh, best friend Frances had a crazy day today. Wouldn't tell me what was wrong til after school and even then it seemed stupid that she was THAT upset about some tiny little thing. Her ex, Kyle, lied to her saying he was over her and now she's upset about it?! I don't understand girls or boys any more. Girls are sooooooooo much effort to be around, its always one dramatic thing after another. A person could go crazy.
So, so far its been a re-h-eeaaaalllllyyyyy bad day ):
Hopefully it'll get better soon, and hopefully mum'll let me out. So lets pray to god that she had a good day at work!! =]
Haha, also Dan has asked me to write on here how I think he feels and what I think he should feel, I'm like wtf?
But okay here goes:
What I think Dan feels:
I think he feels that everything that was between us is going but there'll always be that little bit there, that will be there because we flirty text each other and talk about rather... sexual sort of things... He brings it up not me, promise [:
Also I think he feels that he is happy where he is but doesn't want to let go of the thought of me and him together because it might happen again in the future. (He has said this nearly every time we've broken up)
What I think Dan should feel:
I think he should feel that it's over between me and him and we should let it go because we're both happy with other people and every time we've gotten together again he's always found some one else and gone off with her, every time. So to be quite frank. I don't want to be the person he always comes running back to if someone has broken up with him or he's broken up with someone. I don't want to be second best, and to be honest, I've always felt like second best to Dan, I've never expected any more or any less from him, than to find some other girl and run off with her. So I think he should just forget about us and let it go, because it hurts too much to be second best.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Sunday, 7th November 2010
So, went in town with mum today to get some school things for the exams tomorrow (fun times, I know), and guess who walks straight past me. My Ex-boyfriend, Dan. I know right, major cringe moment. Uh, and I looked terrible, my hair was up, I was wearing some weird knitted hoodie thing. Because I didn't think I'd see anyone important in town today, well he's not important but I had liked him for a very long time and I dunno I guess when I saw him my instant reaction was to be happy. But when I saw him, man did I blush. My insides went mental, I thought I was going to throw up. He didn't see me though, we were so close when we walked past each other. I felt like grabbing him, but I was able to control myself. And now, he's on web cam and he bought skinny jeans... I kept telling myself, "haha, he's gonna look so gay in them" but he really doesn't. He looks. SO. HOT. It's actually unreal. I hate it. But I love it. I know I REALLY shouldn't. I told myself, "I have a perfectly hot boyfriend and I don't want Dan" Also we text each other flirty messages, it's so distracting. But I love it. We were so good together and I had never felt anything so amazing than when I was with him. I was crazy in love with him for months. And then I told myself to get over it. Move on with my life. And I am, gradually. I mean its kinda obvious he's over me, as he has a new girlfriend. He has no idea that I'm still trying to get over him of course. I told him I was completely and utterly over him. Basically a total lie. But today just took me by surprise. When I saw him I just stopped... Everything stopped... I know this sounds incredibly cheesy but its true. And I'm the sort of person that hates cheesy lines and moments, but this was real. My mind was racing, I couldn't think, couldn't speak.
AGH! He looks so hot on web cam. Sounds a bit stalker like doesn't it. I honestly do love my boyfriend, but I can't help it if there's still a little spark there between me and Dan. We were on and off for a while. I mean, yeah most of the time it was in secret, but it still felt like we were meant to be together. The annoying thing is as well, is that he is in my tutor. So I can't help but glance at him from time to time, sometimes he looks back... I don't know how he feels and I'm not going to ask because I don't want to start anything up again. It's too painful to breakup with him and when he breaks it off it feels like I've just died. This way is for the best. I'll get over him eventually, it's just going to take me more time than I had hoped.
AGH! He looks so hot on web cam. Sounds a bit stalker like doesn't it. I honestly do love my boyfriend, but I can't help it if there's still a little spark there between me and Dan. We were on and off for a while. I mean, yeah most of the time it was in secret, but it still felt like we were meant to be together. The annoying thing is as well, is that he is in my tutor. So I can't help but glance at him from time to time, sometimes he looks back... I don't know how he feels and I'm not going to ask because I don't want to start anything up again. It's too painful to breakup with him and when he breaks it off it feels like I've just died. This way is for the best. I'll get over him eventually, it's just going to take me more time than I had hoped.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Don't Lose Yourself
Ever tried doing things to fit in? Me too. I know its wrong but I never know what else to do with my life. I'm not a very adventurous person, I don't like doing things out of the ordinary... My perfect day would be:
To be with the people I love and am close to for a whole day, with food, drink, maybe a few movies and then talk about life and what's been happening.
I know it sounds boring but that really is the sort of person I am. I try to like other things because my friends do or the people I think are cool do, but I never seem to like them. I try to be me sometimes, but most of the time I don't know who or what that is. I've changed so much for other people or for myself to fit in, and on the way I've lost the real me. I put on brave face for school and for when I go out, but inside I'm lost, scared and fading. So people can say stuff about me, make fun of me, do whatever you think would make me feel even worse, but remember this, no-one actually knows who I am. Not even me. Don't lose yourself along the path of life, because you may never be able to get that person back.
To be with the people I love and am close to for a whole day, with food, drink, maybe a few movies and then talk about life and what's been happening.
I know it sounds boring but that really is the sort of person I am. I try to like other things because my friends do or the people I think are cool do, but I never seem to like them. I try to be me sometimes, but most of the time I don't know who or what that is. I've changed so much for other people or for myself to fit in, and on the way I've lost the real me. I put on brave face for school and for when I go out, but inside I'm lost, scared and fading. So people can say stuff about me, make fun of me, do whatever you think would make me feel even worse, but remember this, no-one actually knows who I am. Not even me. Don't lose yourself along the path of life, because you may never be able to get that person back.
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