So, I lost Jake again.. It took me so long get him back.. I screwed things up with Jake by going out with Chris, realized I was an idiot, got over the whole Taylagh thing, and he still took me back.. Then we broke up because he thought we argued too much. It was a joint decision, but I didn't want to make the decision.. I still love him.. He knows this? People argue, I don't think he realized that our love was stronger than the stupid arguments, okay yeah we argued more than a few times, but it was always about the same thing? Couldn't he have just seen my point? Rather than telling me to look at his point of view all the time, I knew what he meant, but I didn't feel comfortable being treated like a friend just because we were in front of a girl that liked him. It's not that harsh, me wanting to be able to hug my boyfriend in front of a girl that likes/loves him? ¬¬ just pisses me off!!! How people just can't get over someone who obviously doesn't want to be with them if they've tried getting with them for 3 years? I mean get a grip of yourself and move on, fucking hell!! AND now he's flirting with me ALL the time.. drives me UP the wall, its either we're together or we're not. Fucking pick one!!
All this has just put me off my usual christmassy mood. Last year I spent it with him.. I'm in love with this boy and he doesn't understand.. What can I do to save this? Boys are like "oh amber you're hot" and I'm like, look I don't want a relationship with you so fuck off. I obviously don't SAY that to them, I'm not mean like that, but I bloody wish I was. Would make life so much easier. Maybe I should just ignore boys for a while, be on my own.. I don't know what to do.. I've changed.. I don't know who I am anymore.. I need help.. I always find myself to be either angry or upset about something, happy moods last about 10 minutes.. then slowly disappear.. I wish I could move on from this to be quite honest, it only hurts. But I don't want to move on by getting with someone else, I just want to get over him if he definitely doesn't want me back, which is quite upsetting to think about :/ Why doesn't he want me back? We loved being with each other.. We had great times when we were together, made each other laugh, looked after each other.. I miss him so much.. Haven't seen him in like.. forever. I talk to his friends more than I used to, surely that's a plus? And could make us stronger? We could actually spend some time together with his friends actually being there as well.
I can't concentrate at college, doing work, coursework, mock exams, I just can't concentrate on anything anymore apart from wanting to be back with him :/
Me after 3 quite strong drinks of pimms and lemonade - I wouldn't mind having a fuck buddy though... keep having sexual dreams and fantasies about guys at work and obviously Jake as well. Kinda frustrating that I can't do anything about it. I mean if I do have sex with anyone it might make things awkward between me and that person, I'd rather no strings attached to be quite honest. Bit oh well, seeing as Jake is more than happy to bring it up, maybe I should just go and sleep with him, I mean why not? Not like it's gonna change anything, wish it would though, but ah well. So many people are calling me hot o: I mean it's nice and all, but they need glasses seriously. Feel a bit shit without Jake to be honest :/ I just don't understand what happened, why it happened, why I didn't say "NO! We can't just throw it all away! We can sort this out! Just forget about the arguments! I don't care about them anymore! We love each other and that's all that matters!" But apparently, love wasn't enough to save the relationship.. But I think it was, he just couldn't see that, why couldn't he see that? Why can't he see that we love each other too much to just give up, evidently by the way we talk to each other.. Maybe I should talk to him about it? But I've tried that!! He just says, we've had this conversation before Amber, and I'm like oh.. okay. What do I do about it? Who knows.. Maybe it'll pan out itself, but I doubt that to be honest, I don't know why, I just do. All of my family hate him, and they expect me to, but I don't, I don't think I could.. He didn't do anything wrong, Just didn't see why Ii was getting upset about things - mainly because I never explained.. ever. I'm a subtle person, I'm never straight-forward... sooooo wish I was though. Ah well, I am who I am and whatever happens obviously happens for a reason, even if I don't like it.
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